Well it has been a while since I last posted once again so of course much has happened. Well I accomplished a major life goal by biking the 12 miles from where we live to where we work. I felt so accomplished when I finally got there and surprisingly had not that much pain at all afterwards. After I did it I thought to myself that maybe I should do this more often, needless to say I havent ridden my bike again since that day. I am really good at keeping my promises, not. Well that same day I rode my bike to work we had an orientation for our Capuchin Appalachian Mission which is the last thing we are going to do this year. I am very excited about it to say the least. I loved the weeks of service that I was able to go on in college to New Orleans and Baltimore and am looking forward to giving others a similiar experience as well as learning more about myself and why I love service so much. After that orientationn ended 2 of the cadets my community is friends with at West Point had a small graduation party where we work. It was really great to see them all one last time, it was a very strange feeling for me though. It was so weird to me that people I only knew for a few months could mean so much to me and affect me so much and then I just say goodbye and possibly never see them again. I really have to words to describe the feeling I just know that I only met these people this year and now within afew days I have said goodbye to all of them never knowing when or if I will see them again, its just weird is the only word I have for it.

Well the next morning after that party we had our family festiva and God's TYM olympics where all of the youth groups in the area got together and played field day type games and the winning team gets to keep the golden tau until the following year. well my God's TYM came in last place, but all day we were okay with it. All of the teens in my God's TYM had a good day and most of their parents were there all day which made it even better as they got to see first hand all the things we do at CYFM and how much fun their teens have when they come to God's TYM. I loved meeting all of their familys and getting to know my teens a little better too. We all just had a really great day and enjoyed ourselves.

Well I cannot really even recall what happened between that day and when we went to Long Beach Island as a community on memorial day and the 2 days following. I forget what happens most of my time here because we do so much in one week that it all just kind of mixes together. I remember going to the McCormack's for dinner one night and getting eaten alive by bugs there. I really enjoy our times with family's in their homes. It has been one of my favorite parts of the year, getting to know familys involved in CYFM and meeting them where they are and their sharing of their lives with us.I am just so grateful for this opportunity this year.

To say the least Long Beach Island was great. It gave us a really great opportunity to relax together and just enjoy spending time with each other. I think Fr. Fred enjoyed the time the most. He and Br. Lake were the most relaxed the whole time and I think because of the time there are so much more relaxed and ready for ministry atCYFM. They have a great new energy about them that I have not seen in a while. I loved just relaxing on the beach and reading a random book I found in the house. I actually took the book home with me and have not stopped reading it since. As soon as I started this book I realized that I read books like I watch movies. i get so into them that they are the only thing I think about until it is over. I am so glad I got the opportunity to go the shore. It got me out of the weird funk I was in.

Before going to the shore and still a little bit now I am in this very strange in between place. I am not ready to say goodbye to CYFM yet but I know the time to do so is coming. It is all coming slowly. We are saying goodbye to parts of our year at different times which in some ways I am happy about but in other ways am really confused about. Like the saying goodbye to the cadets, I know nothing is totally over yet I just know its coming. next Sunday is my last God's TYM and I know it is going to be difficult for me to leave. Going there has been the one time this year I have really grown in my ministry and as a person. when I go there it is only me and no one else. I am the one in charge and I am the one representing CYFM to Warwick.I am the one that gets to share in the faith journeys of the teens who come every week. I am alone and yet I know God is there guiding me to where he wants me to go and helping me to say what he wants me to say.

Again this week we say goodbye to another part of our year and again I think it is going to be a weird feeling. We are going to NYC on Wednesday to say goodbye to the Cabrini Mission Corps missioners we have gotten to know well this year. We have shared a few experiences with these 3 lovely ladies, such as a retreat in January as well as a visit to them a month or so after that and then their visit to us only a month or so ago. Again I feel like this will be a new experience to see someone for the last time not knowing when you will see thm again or if they will mean the same to you in the future. I just hope that I stay open to what God has in store for me that day and that he helps me experience all that that day will offer in the fullest way and that I not regret anything about it. I hope that I can do what I set out to do which is to seize the day and not regret one thing about it. I hope again to not be afraid and not let anything break me and no one make me feel like I dont deserve what I desire or what God has in store for me in this day and every day for the rest of my life.

Well I havent written in a while so I really do not know where to start. Let's start with that I am officially going to BC in September and am very excited because Katie-Sue and Brian are coming as well. I think this will be the best thing. I think it will make the transition a little easier and help me to know that I have people to turn to if no one else understands. Right now we are preparing to start our leadership retreat this weekend. We are also slowly preparing for our weeks of service in June and July. Also right now I am in the process of reading two books, one I have read and one I have not. I am rereading Rachel's tears and reading She Said Yes for the first time. They are both memoirs of two young girls who were killed in Columbine. She Said Yes is about Cassie Bernall who is believed to be the first person killed. It is believed that she was shot when she answered the question "Do you believe in God" and as the title says she said yes. Rachel's tears is about Rachel Scott who was also killed that day. This book is a collection of the writings from her journal that her parents commented and talk about in the book. I read this book last spring as after reading it had really wanted to start writing in a journal more. I felt that if this girls writing could mean so much some day then I could do it too. there i go comparing myself to someone else. I felt that this book really touched me because Rachel was similar to me in high school. she had a small group of friends and was involved at a youth center. the book points one thing out that really stands out to me and that is that Rachel wrote one day months before she died that she knew this was her last year of life. she knew it was the end for her. in a way she lived how I want to live my life. she took each day as it came and as did Cassie. she took each day as a yes to God and lived each day for what God wanted her to. it didnt matter what the future held but this moment this day is what held all that she needed. Both of these girls faith really inspired me. i also felt that i may have read this so that i could better understand the teens I work with and see the world how they do. These two girls and their stories inspired me to be more than I am. They inspired me to start writing things down and appreciating what I have in my life. they inspire me to see my life as a day to day not one choice that affects others. They also give me hope that my life could some day mean something to someone even in the simplest way. even though their deaths were part of a tragedy and a big event in our history they still give me hope that how I live my life each day will some day be appreciated by others. they make me want to live my life as an example for others. (left Rachel and right Cassie)

Well i think i have rambled about that enough for one day. I can't really think of anything else to talk about other than that these girls inspire me and I am enjoying reading about them and sharing their story with others. this weekend I am running a portion of the weekend that introduces the retreatants to the best methods of running a small group. i have difficulty with doing this myself. I think i took this task on so that I could better my own skills. I feel that I do that alot in my ministry here. i feel I do the things that i feel that I can somehow benefit from and grow in my own faith. I keep trying to tell myself that I do these retreats for them and not me. I am trying to help others come closer to God. that is why i wanted to do this year of service in the first place. i knew I wanted to help others get closer to God and I am making it about me and I cant seem to stop doing it. I think I may be still doing it because others in my community are making it about them and that is making it harder for me to make it about others. i just cant seem to get past some kind of invisible ceiling that is stopping me from getting out of this year what I thought I would originally. i am still getting something out of it though. i am gaining great friendships and doing things i never have before. For example, i have plans to bike the 12 miles we drive to work every day in the next week. i am very excited about it and nervous as well. I am learning how to live in a community and that it is most definitly as easy as I once thought. I think I am just having a problem defining who I am. I have defined myself for so long by what I do and who I associate with that it is hard for me to figure out who I am without all the stuff that I do or did and I think that is what scares me and is making this so hard. Well thats enough rambling for the day. I will try to ramble again soon.

What makes you happy?

When I was first asked this question a few days ago through email by our community mentor Jay who meets with us as a community once a month, I found it difficult to answer. it is very strange for me thatI found this question hard to answer as most people who know me would say is that they always see me with a smile on my face. I decided maybe that was why I couldnt answer it right away was that I had so many things that make me happy that it is hard to just pinpoint a few. In my own personal reflection I came up with a list of a few things that I fell make me happy in terms of where I am right now and in my present situation. Here it is:

feeling needed
good jokes
other peoples enthusiasm
when everyone around me is involved and eager to participate
surprises
verbal praise
music, hearing a song that applies to how Iam feeling at the moment
and dancing

After thinking about what made me happy we were asked as a community to think about what makes everyone else happy and how we can give that to them. This really helped our community to realize a few things. I think every time we have a meeting with Jay we come to some new level of understanding either with ourselves or with each other and I think this is really helping our community. This realization is helping me see the purpose of these meetings and helping me to look inside myself and without myself in order to see where I am growing and where I still need to grow. Being asked all of these questions is helping me to look more deeply into who I am and how this experience of serving for a year and living in community is helping me to grow as a person. I feel as though I knew most of this before this year but never had an experience where I had to put these ideas of living in an intentional community to the test. I learned that community is difficult, a lot more difficult than I anticipated coming into this year. I also learned that it is not all about me and what I need. I have learned to look at others needs before my own. I think this all occurred to me last night in this meeting with Jay. I finally get it, well obviously not all of it but I now have a better awareness as to what others need and how to live in community with them and help them to grow as well and not just on my own.

I have learned today what makes me happy and how I can bring that to myself and to others who need to be happy in this life with my help and with their own. I have seized the day today. I have not let anything break me and no one has made me give my rights away. I have arisen and seized the day.

Well my computer pretty much sucks. It shut itself off as I was almost done with my first post. I will give a quick version of it since I am so frustrated that it didnt save for me. I basically pointed out that in my year of service I feel as though in the beginning and up until now I have reverted back to my old ways of trying to impress people. this all came to a head this weekend when we had the Cabrini Missioners( Michelle, Crystal, and Mary) up for a visit. I felt the whole time like I wasnt being myself and just trying to seem like someone they would like. while they were here I got so mad at myself for doing that that I decided I have to start changing the fact that I do that all the time. I think other people care so much about what I do and it is holding me back. I need to do what is best for me and be myself no matter what.

I feel as though Ineed to take the following words to heart in order to help me do what I want to do and be who I am. I need to learn to "seize the day." Whenever I hear these words I think of the scene/song in Newsies. I need to take the words of the song to heart and apply them to my life right now to help me keep going and doing what I need to in order to be myself.

"Don't be afraid and don't delay. Nothing can break us, no one can make us, give our rights away. Arise and seize the day."