Well again its been a while since I last posted but as prompted by my lovely friend Katie-Sue I decided I should try to write again. I think I decided to write again because when Katie-Sue and I shared some of our stuggles with how we are adjusting to life post CCV she told me and I shared that I have been having some difficulties. I decided I would explore some of those feelings in this post.
The main problem I think I am having right now is inactivity. I feel like I am doing nothing but sitting on the couch and watching TV and watching other people live their lives. I keep saying that I have gone from constant activity at the Red House and at CYFM to nothing at all. I have never really been the kind of person who would go out often normally. In high school I would just sit at home on a weekend if no one approached me during the week and made plans. Or I would just go to things already set up like the Monday night prayer meetings I used to attend or the building of the Haunted labyrtinth and just hang out afterwards with everyone there. Since all of that is over in my life and I no longer have connections to those places around my house anymore I feel kind of lost here. There was a good week where all I was doing at home was watching TV and being on facebook which really got me nowhere. It wasnt until I had a pretty tough convo with my mom about why I dont get out of the house more often since she is starting to get concerned about me spending so much time at home and alone, that I realized that this laziness is a real problem and it is not going to be easy for me to get out of it.
I have done quite a few things already this summer since being home which it took talking with Katie sue yesterday to realize I did. When I first got home the next day I went to a bridal shower with mom. Then that Wed. I took a day trip to NYC to see the best broadway show I have seen in a while which was American Idiot. I met Heather there and got to see the show with her and spend some time. It was one of the best days of my summer so far. then the next wed. my mom and I went back to NYC to see 2 more shows and stay the night in times square. we saw Memphis and La Cage Aux Foiles( with Kelsey Grammar.) these shows were great too and it was nice to spend some time in nyc with mom shopping for the upcoming weddings in the fall we are all attending.The rest of my summer so far has been spotted by days in my cousins pool and nights with them at the movies and getting lemonade at the best place ever(Mr. Lemon.) so all in all I have done quite a lot this summer but I still cannot get rid of this feeling that I am not doing much.
I am just in this weird waiting place where I am ready for the activity and getting to know people at BC but am still grieving and mending the relationships I made at CYFM. I dont seem to want to let go of things at CYFM which is hard and not that i have to let them go completely but I am just grieving the loss of all my activity and the love that I shared there with so many people. its just hard to go from all that to feeling like the only people who care about you are your parents and the few friends who call and text with you sometimes.
I have been trying very hard to get back into my parish community and get anything out of it anymore since I feel so distant from the person I was when I felt I belonged there. I have been trying though which is good for me. Even if it does mean that I only just get up and go to mass, its still a step toward where I want to be with God and myself.
Well I think Katie-Sue was right, this does feel a little better even if it did just get me to write again. I feel a little more relief in knowing that I am not alone in these feelings. I only hope that I can keep going and keep to my promise to seize the day. Even if it does mean that all I do is rant about my day and how I havent written in too long, I know its still enough for me and for God.
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